and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
-Wendell Berry
5 April 2020: Today I was able to wash a load of blankets and clean up the living room a little bit. Last night I actually washed my hair! A little while ago I sat down on the couch and thought, I am going to be okay. Obviously not today or anytime soon, but eventually. I am going to be okay.
The world is less awesome without Mike Nedrow in it, but my life was made immeasurably better because of him, and I know that so many other people feel that way. That is quite a legacy!
Earlier today I was thinking about my previous Mike Nedrow Chronicle posts and I realized that they are all about how amazing he was (which is totally true) but they make him sound like he was perfect. I mean, he was effing amazing in a million ways, but he was also a human being, a very humble one. He had flaws and imperfections, struggles and insecurities. It's not my place to discuss them, but above all he was a strong, resilient person.
There were a few times over the years that we got into "fights." I use quotation marks because they weren't exactly fights, but I don't know what to call them. He could be oblivious and a bit obtuse, which sometimes was endearing and other times maddening. However, he had endless patience, which if you know me, is a requirement for being my friend. I feel things very strongly and deeply, and I express things very loudly and passionately. He took it all in stride.
One thing I learned very quickly is that most people in Garrett County have very little tolerance for other people's emotions. The gaslighting game out there is STRONG. Thankfully, Mike Nedrow was not that type of person. He accepted all of my emotions (which, btw, are a totally normal human thing to have, just saying...) and helped me process and understand them.
The one thing he had no patience for with me was hyperbole. One "fight" we had was about how I kept referring to things as epiphanies. "Not everything can be an epiphany! They start to lose meaning!" he told me. We compromised by agreeing that I could use the word "epiphalation" to describe anything I wanted, and reserve "epiphany" for when it was really appropriate. I can respect that.
A few weeks ago when Kenny Rogers passed away (it feels like so much longer than that!), I said that Kenny Rogers wouldn't want us to be sad. He would want us to celebrate his life, his music, his accomplishments. I can't say that about Mike Nedrow. I'm not saying he specifically wants any of us to be sad! But he would want us to feel EXACTLY how we feel, and to be patient with ourselves during the grieving process.
There are going to be bad days. There will be okay days. Eventually there will be good days.
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