The Mike Nedrow Chronicles, Part Four

"When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."

-Wendell Berry


5 April 2020: Today I was able to wash a load of blankets and clean up the living room a little bit. Last night I actually washed my hair! A little while ago I sat down on the couch and thought, I am going to be okay. Obviously not today or anytime soon, but eventually. I am going to be okay.

The world is less awesome without Mike Nedrow in it, but my life was made immeasurably better because of him, and I know that so many other people feel that way. That is quite a legacy!

Earlier today I was thinking about my previous Mike Nedrow Chronicle posts and I realized that they are all about how amazing he was (which is totally true) but they make him sound like he was perfect. I mean, he was effing amazing in a million ways, but he was also a human being, a very humble one. He had flaws and imperfections, struggles and insecurities. It's not my place to discuss them, but above all he was a strong, resilient person.

There were a few times over the years that we got into "fights." I use quotation marks because they weren't exactly fights, but I don't know what to call them. He could be oblivious and a bit obtuse, which sometimes was endearing and other times maddening. However, he had endless patience, which if you know me, is a requirement for being my friend. I feel things very strongly and deeply, and I express things very loudly and passionately. He took it all in stride.

One thing I learned very quickly is that most people in Garrett County have very little tolerance for other people's emotions. The gaslighting game out there is STRONG. Thankfully, Mike Nedrow was not that type of person. He accepted all of my emotions (which, btw, are a totally normal human thing to have, just saying...) and helped me process and understand them.

The one thing he had no patience for with me was hyperbole. One "fight" we had was about how I kept referring to things as epiphanies. "Not everything can be an epiphany! They start to lose meaning!" he told me. We compromised by agreeing that I could use the word "epiphalation" to describe anything I wanted, and reserve "epiphany" for when it was really appropriate. I can respect that.

A few weeks ago when Kenny Rogers passed away (it feels like so much longer than that!), I said that Kenny Rogers wouldn't want us to be sad. He would want us to celebrate his life, his music, his accomplishments. I can't say that about Mike Nedrow. I'm not saying he specifically wants any of us to be sad! But he would want us to feel EXACTLY how we feel, and to be patient with ourselves during the grieving process.

There are going to be bad days. There will be okay days. Eventually there will be good days.

The Mike Nedrow Chronicles, Part Three

4 April 2020: “This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem." - Walt Whitman


Tonight's installment of the Mike Nedrow Chronicles requires a content warning for sexual assault!

Mike Nedrow was the most cool, calm, collected person I have ever met. I came into Garrett County like a hurricane and it felt like most people didn't quite know what to do with me, but not Mike. I made him blush a lot, sure, but I tend to have that effect on people. His effect on me was just the opposite though. He made me feel safe and calm, and for a person with severe PTSD, that is extremely important. I cannot emphasize enough the value of finding safe people and safe places. Mike Nedrow was safe, and he proved it again and again.

One day, early in 2009, I was sexually assaulted by another student inside my car in the campus parking lot. I will spare you the details. People with PTSD (and those who know anything about it) will know that there are four common responses to trauma: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In this situation, I froze. I was paralyzed. Most of what I remember was the dude laughing as he walked away from my car, blowing a kiss, and saying he would see me in class. I sat there, frozen, for what seemed like hours but was probably only actually a few minutes.

I couldn't think of what to do. I was still relatively new to the area and I was legitimately freaked out. Without even consciously deciding to do so, I ran to the math lab. I knew Mike would be there and that I would be safe. I was correct on both counts. After a while I broke down and told him what happened. He didn't interrogate me about what I had done to provoke it. He didn't accuse me of anything. He believed me. He listened and he believed me. He asked what I needed from him. I said I just needed him to be there with me.

Later, he took me to talk to someone, the dean of something something, who refused to believe me or do anything about it. The police wouldn't do anything because I hadn't been "physically hurt." No one at the college believed me or was willing to do anything, except Mike. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do, and I had to share a classroom with my assaulter for months, until eventually he dropped out or something.

After that debacle, I knew that no matter what happened, Mike would always be there for me. He was safe and I knew I could trust him and he would never hurt or betray me. He saved me that day, and many times after. He looked out for me. I could tell him anything, and there was never any judgment or awkwardness. I could be my true authentic self and he could be his. It was the most intimate relationship I have ever had with a man.

I know we've all heard a million times that everyone comes into your life for a reason. I used to tell Mike that I didn't deserve him as a friend and he would respond that clearly I did deserve him because there he was, being my friend. I don't know what the "reason" was, but I could fill a book with everything I learned from him and all of the ways he changed my life. Apparently I'm doing that, one post at a time.

The Mike Nedrow Chronicles, Part Two

3 April 2020: Mike Nedrow used to always randomly stop by my house in Friendsville. He would bring me stuff like orange juice, or vitamins, or books he thought I would like. One time he brought me a box of hot cocoa mix as a surprise. He didn't know what kind to get, and after thoughtful deliberation, he chose Swiss Miss with rainbow marshmallows. Obviously that is the most perfect kind. He knew me so well, even after such a short time. I always told him how much I appreciated him and valued his friendship, but I never told him how I really felt. Do I regret that? That's between me and my therapist.
Btw, I'm going to tell Mike Nedrow stories until I have no more Mike Nedrow stories to tell. Not sorry.

 I lived in Garrett County for five years. During that time I took thousands of photos. I just went through ALL of them and these are all I have of Mike. We spent so much time together, and this is all I have. Granted, he didn't like his picture being taken, but I wish I would have forced him. Anyway, here are my only photos of my dear friend Mike Nedrow.

In 2008, my first semester at Garrett College, I was in Mike's bio lab. He and I had talked a little bit but only like very superficial normal student/teacher talk. One day, a few weeks into the semester, he was handing back some papers and he came up to me and stared at me. He looked down at the paper, then back at me, back at the paper again and back at me. His face turned bright red, he smiled, and his blue eyes sparkled.

"You DO exist," he said, as he handed me the paper and slowly backed away.

Needless to say, I was confused, so I told my friend/math teacher (Barry) about it. Barry laughed and laughed. Apparently, Mike had seen my math homework, which stood out because I always did it on pink Hello Kitty notebook paper (hey, I am who I am). According to Barry, Mike would always look at it and comment on how perfect the handwriting was, among other things. Barry told Mike that I was also in his bio class, but he didn't believe him! It wasn't until he finally, for the first time all semester, gave us back our homework, that he made the connection.

Obviously we very quickly became excellent friends. And the rest is history! And will be posted as I am able.

The Mike Nedrow Chronicles, Part One

2 April 2020: That was not the news I wanted to wake up to today, or ever. One of my favorite teachers and dearest friends passed away. I AM NOT OKAY.

Mike Nedrow was a beacon of light for me. I wouldn't have survived Garrett County without him. Not only was he a great teacher (I had him for bio lab) but he was an amazing friend. He shoveled snow out of my driveway, he bought me groceries and paid my water bill when I was too poor, he watched my cat while I was away adventuring, he gave me math books so I wouldn't go crazy (including one he had written). He cleaned my entire house after the Rapture debacle. He was always available to talk or to help or to have an adventure. His office was always open and available to anyone who needed him. Even after I moved away, he remained a steadfast friend. The last time I talked to him, he said he missed me and couldn't wait until next time I came out to visit. I guess now, whenever I get out there, I'll have to sit on the boardwalk at Cranesville Swamp and put my bare feet in the cold sphagnum moss without him. 💔💔💔

Biology Bonfire

Because nothing can stop me, except maybe my soul-crushing mental illness, I have started a new blog! Yay!!!

For those of you who don’t know me, I will spare you my whole life story.  That is only appropriate when writing a recipe.  Amirite?  

My name is Heddie, and I crochet and draw and garden and bake and play the banjo and I’m obsessed with my cat and bats and opossums and blah blah blah.  You’ll hear about all of those things in due time.  But first, I’m going to share a little bit about why I want to start a blog in the first place.

Thousands of years ago… Or back in like 2013, I was living in rural Appalachia and working as a math and science tutor at the local college, where I was also a student.  Most of my students were in developmental math and introductory biology and were pursuing many different majors.  I basically was helping adults learn things they should have learned in middle school or high school at the latest, but I don’t want to get into a whole thing about the dreadful state of public education in this country.  Suffice to say it was a frustrating yet mildly rewarding job.

One student in particular had a profound effect on me.  We’ll call her Lisa.  Lisa was bright, effervescent, outgoing, and funny.  She was a theater major and had big dreams to become an actress in New York City.  However, somehow she got put into the more difficult biology class that was designed for science majors instead of the easier one that was for everyone else.  She was not a science-minded person, and needless to say, she struggled.  I have never seen anyone work so hard at understanding something and still not be able to get it.  It just didn’t click for her.  And I tried so hard to help her.  Eventually her grades started slipping in her other classes in which she should have been excelling.  The breaking point came when she failed the biology midterm exam.

I walked into the tutoring room for our session and instead of her usual bubbly self, she looked like she hadn’t slept in days and as soon as she saw me she burst into tears.  She was utterly defeated.  She had failed the biology midterm and the professor had told her there was no way she could salvage her grade before finals, and it was too late to drop the class without it hurting her GPA.  She was almost failing her other classes and felt lost and stuck and hopeless.  She felt like a complete failure and disappointment and embarrassment to her family.  I tried to console her but to no avail, so I just let her cry for a little while.  Then something struck me, and I got mad and told her something I wished someone had told me.  Ever.  Even once.

What I told her was this: You are not your GPA.  You are more valuable than your grades.

She stopped sobbing and just stared at me.  No one had ever told her that either.  I went on to tell her that even if she flunked out of college and never looked back that she still was a valuable person who could contribute something great to the world.  I was telling myself this as much as I was telling Lisa. 

I told her to go home and burn all of her biology homework and notes, but not her textbook because she could still sell it back.  I told her to never go back to that class or think about it again.  She never came back to the tutoring center.

A few months later I received an email from Lisa.  She had taken my advice!  She literally had a bonfire of her biology papers!!!  She passed the rest of her classes, came back in the summer and took the easy biology class, passed with flying colors, and got her degree!  She was triumphantly pursuing her dreams, and she told me I had changed her life.

I just wanted her to stop crying and torturing herself.

I was happy when she stopped crying.  I was happy that she dropped the class and was succeeding at what she wanted to do.  I was also happy that there had been a bonfire involved.  But I mostly felt grateful.  

I had spent most of my life before this point being kind of a misanthrope.  I totally cared more for plants and animals than I did for most people.  I’ve been through and overcome a lot of shit and it made me stronger and more badass but also more closed off.  Seriously, my best friend in high school told me I was like Fort Knox, which I took as a compliment at the time.  But I digress.  This situation with Lisa was the first time I had used my actual real life experiences to help another person and prevent them from going down a road I was all too familiar with, and knowing that it truly helped her also helped me.  In fact, it changed my life.

So my goal with this blog is just to write about my life and things that have happened to me or that I have experienced.  If even one person gets something out of it, I will consider myself a success.  There will also be crochet patterns, recipes, crafts, self-care, waste reduction, gardening tips, pictures of my cat, and more, because those things are my jam!

Thanks for reading.

~Heddie